@Grommit56

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

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@Smooheed

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

@TheBoydP

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

@BobLoblaw143637

“I’m so sick of this life”

* sees preview for next life*

“Yeah.. That’s not gonna work for me either.”

@Tmoney68

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

@robfee

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

@AdamBroud

*Sees ant carrying a leaf that weighs 3x its body weight*

Wife: Can you imagine being that strong?

Me: *Picking up leaf* Yes.

@SardonicTart

[Sunday morning]

Me: Finally a day I can sleep in

Birds: We’ll see about that lol

@BoogTweets

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

@PatsATweetin

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

@shutupmikeginn

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.