The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
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Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
“I’m so sick of this life”
* sees preview for next life*
“Yeah.. That’s not gonna work for me either.”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
*Sees ant carrying a leaf that weighs 3x its body weight*
Wife: Can you imagine being that strong?
Me: *Picking up leaf* Yes.
Me: Finally a day I can sleep in
Birds: We’ll see about that lol
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.