This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

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“I love all quilts, regardless of quality.” – blanket statement


I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.



“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”


Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.


I can tell everything I need to know about your business by the thickness of your bathroom toilet paper.


I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER


Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.


I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.


[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money


I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.