This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
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I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings