@JohnLyonTweets

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

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@jrogasm

I just got off the phone with my mother. She called 12 years ago.

@longwall26

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

@justmiche74

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

@JermHimselfish

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

@TheAlexNevil

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

@_davidlucas_

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

@toastymoe

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

@DanaSchwartzzz

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

@patnelke

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.