This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
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Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I’m not stressed
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.