this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
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*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
car not found
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.