this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
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Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]