My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
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“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this