Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
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If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is