The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
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Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
hear me out : pockets for your socks
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying