This could be us but you eatin’
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Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!