The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
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[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no