I was at a bar when this sexy lady approached me and whispered, “hey do you wanna get out of here”?
I happily replied yes and stood up, then she took my seat and sat down😑
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
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Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Me: *turns to date* darling
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming