@rpbateman

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

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@Iam_ikjoseph

I was at a bar when this sexy lady approached me and whispered, “hey do you wanna get out of here”?

I happily replied yes and stood up, then she took my seat and sat down😑

@zebrasyndicate

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

@TheCatWhisprer

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

@nice_mustard

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

@fro_vo

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

@aquinton

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

@iwearaonesie

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

@leechee420

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

@WheelTod

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming