This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
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Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
i think both sides are to blame here
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig