This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
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Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
No, he would not have.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating