Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
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Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.