@SqueakyFreckles

This crunchy cat food tastes a lot like I just poured from the wrong packet into my cereal bowl.

You Might Also Like

@AndyAsAdjective

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

@TheOnion

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways

@007Pepe_Rex

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

@Leslie_Annie

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

@1followernodad

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

@realHamOnWry

I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said ‘You’re a mouth breather, and I’ll never respect you’

@Meldiesattheend

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

@PinkCamoTO

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

@Michael_Neese

Me: I was sober for 12 years

AA Director: What happened ?

Me: I turned 13….

@Holy_Mowgli

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight