This crunchy cat food tastes a lot like I just poured from the wrong packet into my cereal bowl.

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I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.


Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways


[At the Grand Canyon]


I L o v e T h i s P l a c e



GC: Let’s just be friends


Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.


My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.


I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said ‘You’re a mouth breather, and I’ll never respect you’


If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.


Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.


Me: I was sober for 12 years

AA Director: What happened ?

Me: I turned 13….


[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight