Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
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I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well