“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
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I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
is this how new cars are made??
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.