This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
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“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Feels
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Me trying to look natural in photos