This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
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Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
My biological clock is wheezing.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.