@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1888. Police received the “From Hell” letter from Jack the Ripper threatening further monstrous attacks on the English language.

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@fro_vo

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

@bgirl314

5: Mommy can we pee in the pool?
M: NO!
Neighbors kid: Why?
M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they’ll eat and kill you.

@meh_thinks

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

@EndhooS

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

@OldUncleDaveO

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

@Phook75

If love at first sight was really a thing, I would’ve been married to Cheetara from Thundercats

@Ygrene

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

@heylauragao

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

@dimplesticks

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no