“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
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ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot