When I’m driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
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My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“Your evolutionary biology thesis is rejected.”
“You added (lmao) every time you mentioned Homo Erectus.”
I’m giving up my husband for Lent.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
“Here’s what I would do…”
– me, giving bad advice
me as a parent