@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

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@Ohgoddessitsme

When I’m driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.

@Lhlodder

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

@RodLacroix

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

@adamlucidi

Christmas is becoming like that creepy friend that shows up to the party too early. The party starts at 7:00, why are you here at 4:30!?!!

@Book_Krazy

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

@NicestHippo

“Your evolutionary biology thesis is rejected.”
Why?
“You added (lmao) every time you mentioned Homo Erectus.”

@BlindChow

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit