This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
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Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.