This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
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Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I know this now 😂
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Banana is the quietest snack
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb