This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
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There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
“Sheer Arrogance”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.