This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything


Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman


My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.


Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.



Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards


There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met


Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!


Like my parents always said, “you’re in the wrong house, you live next door”.