When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
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Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Like my parents always said, “you’re in the wrong house, you live next door”.