This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
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Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”