This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
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It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’m not lazy
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Happy Friday
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.