This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
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“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.