@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

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@Darlainky

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

@KalvinMacleod

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

@summerofbenny

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

@Landon8426

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

@roggyie

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

@0point5twins

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

@geowizzacist

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

@Marlebean

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

@senderblock23

[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened