This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

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Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.


I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”


American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.


For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..


BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.


What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.


How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

*Keeps plucking*


[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened