This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
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It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Tough love is true love
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)