Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
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Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.