Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special