*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
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Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I created you as mosquito food.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”