This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

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I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn’t tell I was drinking. I’m worried about her, now.


I’ve been tweeting for 10 hours straight…and 3 hours gay.


[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?


You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.


Tip Of the Day: You can easily avoid bruising your thigh by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant.


Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no


Mannequin challenge but me just standing in the kitchen, in the dark, holding the ice cream container as my wife walks by unaware.


I don’t think I’m a father but I better celebrate just incase I am…


I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.