@LostCatDog

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

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@Girliegurll

I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn’t tell I was drinking. I’m worried about her, now.

@El_Emeno

I’ve been tweeting for 10 hours straight…and 3 hours gay.

@MarfSalvador

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

@Parkerlawyer

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

@Scdavis24

Tip Of the Day: You can easily avoid bruising your thigh by not staring at a female jogger and then walking into a fire hydrant.

@ArfMeasures

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

@Rob_Firm

Mannequin challenge but me just standing in the kitchen, in the dark, holding the ice cream container as my wife walks by unaware.

@Annoyedworld

I don’t think I’m a father but I better celebrate just incase I am…

@TragicAllyHere

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.