This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
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6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
When they try to steal your moment.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.