[first little league game]
me: knock ‘em dead son
son: thanks pa
me: destroy them
me: kill them all
me: SEND THEM SCREAMING INTO THE FIRES OF HELL
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
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I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don’t want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.
Me: Can you put your bowl in the sink, please?
Me: Why do you think?
10: Because you’re too lazy to do it?
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
God: it’s like a game
Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
New Tinder profile.