@TheToddWilliams

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

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@pilau

[first little league game]

me: knock ‘em dead son

son: thanks pa

me: destroy them

son: what

me: kill them all

son: [crying]

me: SEND THEM SCREAMING INTO THE FIRES OF HELL

@ShellHasDragons

No, Facebook camera, I just sat on the toilet, I don’t want to take a picture to commemorate the moment.

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Can you put your bowl in the sink, please?

10: Why?

Me: Why do you think?

10: Because you’re too lazy to do it?

@KeetPotato

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

@YourMomsucksTho

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

@NoticablyBacon

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

@PureDad

Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!

@flashember

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS