@oFabz

this dog sucks at driving

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@DamonHunzeker

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

@Writepop

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

@SortaBad

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

@dadmann_walking

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

@ThisLocalHater

Hate it when I try to make a snow angel and it turns out as a pentagram instead

@XplodingUnicorn

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

@DaHess1

When I momentarily lack the ability to articulate my thoughts and use a preposition instead.

That.

@whinecheezits

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang