My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
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Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus