This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

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Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.


If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.


Netflix should have a catergory called ‚Äúeasy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time‚ÄĚ


son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.


Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?


I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.


[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans




Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.