@zgbetty: This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
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@NJFreudian: My therapist asked me, "How would leaving twitter make you feel?" I replied by asking him, "How would switching therapists make you feel?"
@goldengateblond: what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
@mrtruthandsoul: Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress? Obama: Well, I've alw-- Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?