I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
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scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
spot the difference
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch