You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
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Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Science memes
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Cha-ching is my safe word
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
#dalle2
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.