This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women’s bathroom.

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*takes a hit off the joint

*slowly exhales


This is the best baked sale ever

“It’s a BAKE sale”

*exhales again

Tell me about it


ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.


AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.


Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.


Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?


If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you?” is a bad answer, apparently.


Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.


[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.


ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.


It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.