@Crunk_Jews

This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women’s bathroom.

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@ThaJawn

*takes a hit off the joint

*slowly exhales

Ahhhhhh

This is the best baked sale ever

“It’s a BAKE sale”

*exhales again

Tell me about it

@RedRegenerated

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

@myonlymizztake

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

@lasergirl70

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

@heatherlou_

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

@lilgapeach30

If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you?” is a bad answer, apparently.

@KalvinMacleod

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

@BoomBoomBetty

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

@TheAlexNevil

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.