After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
This drunk guy in the mirror thinks he can beat me in a dance off but I totally embarrassed him in front of the whole women’s bathroom.
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If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I’m losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?