This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
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Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!