This dude got his own movie?

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H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?


[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”


[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]


Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”


Gerard Butler: Can I get sugar?

Waiter: This is sugar.

*GB stands pissed*


*GB kicks waiter through glass panel*


My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can’t remember to flush the toilet.


My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.


[sits next to friend in a coma, holding her hand]

“Squeeze once if that’s an 8 at the end of your HBO Go password.”


If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.


I don’t care about all the nasty stuff people put on here about Nicki Minaj.

I’ll still suck her c**k anytime.