This dude got his own movie?
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thank god
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.