@MooreForAll

This dude got his own movie?

You Might Also Like

@ObscureGent

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

@darksidedeb

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

@BillMc7

MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That’s how old you were three years ago.

@MomofTeen

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

@sass_n_ass

Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette

@dadopotamus

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

@AmandaRNH

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

@DothTheDoth

If you’re walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.