This dude got his own movie?

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[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.


It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.


MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That’s how old you were three years ago.


Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.


Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette


“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.


Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.


If you’re walking by an abandoned bookstore & the front door opens for no reason, go into that bookstore.