@MooreForAll

This dude got his own movie?

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@BigJDubz

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb

@HenpeckedHal

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

@3sunzzz

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

@C00LpenNAME

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

@Douchekevin

I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.

@TrueTorontoGirl

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

@Brianhopecomedy

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

@FaisalAdam_

I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..