@MooreForAll

This dude got his own movie?

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@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

@WheelTod

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

@KeetPotato

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

@peb671

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

@thenoahkinsey

Gerard Butler: Can I get sugar?

Waiter: This is sugar.

*GB stands pissed*

GB: THIS..IS…SPLENDA!!

*GB kicks waiter through glass panel*

@TheMichaelRock

My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can’t remember to flush the toilet.

@BradBroaddus

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

@amydillon

[sits next to friend in a coma, holding her hand]

“Squeeze once if that’s an 8 at the end of your HBO Go password.”

@Cpin42

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

@TheCamelToe_

I don’t care about all the nasty stuff people put on here about Nicki Minaj.

I’ll still suck her c**k anytime.