This dude got his own movie?
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I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
went fishing caught a bass
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you