Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
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My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
lmfao
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
monday
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*