@seriouslymanish

This dude is using a pay phone , I guess someone got kidnapped

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@tracietom

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

@mommajessiec

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

@eliyudin

I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.

@david8hughes

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

@simoncholland

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

@3sunzzz

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

@kelly__le

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

@MikeCanRant

*watches as both hands turn into devils*
*looks over sink*
HAND SATANIZER
“Oh, this is just great”