This dude is using a pay phone , I guess someone got kidnapped

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My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.


Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy


I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway


Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.


My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.


A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.


Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.


Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.


*watches as both hands turn into devils*
*looks over sink*
“Oh, this is just great”