This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
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What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
He-man has a Masters degree
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
My circle of trust is a meatball
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands