This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
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My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I am never leaving this website
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
In case you needed to hear it:
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.