[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
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I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read
Guy 2: Got it
Woman: So what-
Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
[waking up after car crash]
Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes
Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.
I’ll keep you all posted.