@pixelatedboat

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

@BubblesnBooze

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

@2p2TrollCat

Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.

@dumbbeezie

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

@Mr_Kapowski

Guy 1: Women love a man that’s well read

Guy 2: Got it

[date]

Woman: So what-

Guy 2: *covered in ketchup* How well do you like me red?

@lmegordon

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

@decentbirthday

[waking up after car crash]

Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes

@zachreinert03

Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich

@meganamram

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

@Jarhead44

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.