This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too