This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
You Might Also Like
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Pringles
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.