learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
date: this is my first time at a french restaurant
me: i feel like i’ve been here once before
date: are you having deja vu?
me: no i’m having the chicken
Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?
H:-“Because you need to”
His funeral takes place next week.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.