@Sarcasticsapien

This election feels like Tim Burton was writing and directing it and halfway through Quentin Tarantino took over.

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@prufrockluvsong

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

@TragicAllyHere

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

@daemonic3

date: this is my first time at a french restaurant

me: i feel like i’ve been here once before

date: are you having deja vu?

me: no i’m having the chicken

@HFromTheNam

Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?

Me:-“Why”?

H:-“Because you need to”

His funeral takes place next week.

@BCMontgo

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

@skittle624

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

@Try2StopME

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

@carlyken

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

@UnicornSyrup

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.