My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
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“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There鈥檚 an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I鈥檝e finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I鈥檓 44 & a total moron 馃檪
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
me: I鈥檓 sorry, it鈥檚 over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 馃榿
Losing 馃槻
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I鈥檓 ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn鈥檛 like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
We鈥檙e all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we鈥檇 really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza鈥檚 on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions