me as a parent
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Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Cannot stop laughing at this
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.