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@RdrJay47

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

@meganamram

I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED

@AnOrangeSNES

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

@vanluvz1

I’m at my most nurturing when I’m plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.

@MaraWritesStuff

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

@matttuff

Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

@1Happytwit

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

@IamDrainBamaged

I’ve been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.

@Goofpoops

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”