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You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.


ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?


I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED


[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh


I’m at my most nurturing when I’m plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.


Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.


Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.


Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.


I’ve been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.


Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”