To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
You Might Also Like
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.