This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
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Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.