This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
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me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.